does it take that long for hair to grow?!?!!?!?!?!?! i'm so frustrated every thing seems to be going wrong!!!! nothing is right right now. every thing makes me unhappy.  i just wanna coop up at home and go into deep slumber.

I want to resume blogging again. There is something about putting thoughts into words. A challenge. A feeling of relief; the removal of a rock.

Recently, ever since the trip back to Malaysia, there has been a constant recurring fear that I feel and am unable to shake its grasp off. Sometimes it suffocates me but before I lose life, I fall asleep (this happens at night). Sometimes I am able to shake it off for a little while and concentrate on things current (this happens occasionally in the day). And there is no running away from this thought, it haunts me every minute I am capable of thinking. To think it was something I actually considered.

Aging is becoming very real. The years are getting shorter and shorter, passing by faster than we can imagine.

"Time weighs down on you like an old, ambiguous dream. You keep on moving, trying to slip through it. But even if you go to the ends of the earth, you won't be able to escape it."

I have been pondering as to why each year seem to be shorter than the previous and have recently come up with a theory: that it is because our memory gets better. When we were much younger, we do not remember things that happen, and that would make it seem as if it happened a long time ago. But as we grow older, our memory capacity balloons, and we are able to remember things from years ago and this is why Time seems to have sped up. I think about how Taiwan was two years ago and I feel a little taken aback - has it already been two years? I think about Paris, about four years back, and I think, with less unbelief - has it been four years? maybe it has, but that was fast. And then I think about NZ, about nine years back, and I think - it was quite awhile ago but wow nine years seem a tad too long ago. I remember, vaguely, the things that happened. And then I think about things that happened when I was four and, I cannot remember anything that happened - it must have really been a long time ago. Thirteen years? yeah, probably. As our memory improves and we remember more and more vividly, what we remember will seem so much closer to us, so much more recent. And this is why we feel that every year passes by much more quickly so than the previous.

And honestly? this really scares me. I think about this ten years back, and I am still able to remember bits and pieces: the anticipation I felt before the first day of actual school and stuff like that. although it does feel that they have taken place quite awhile ago, ten years? it doesn't feel like ten years. and now, being able to remember things with much more clarity and detail, I think about ten years later. (the ten years that will feel much shorter than the previous ten years that have passed) I am twenty-seven. I think about the more ten years to come. I think about the people that will come and go, the things that will come and go and this strange urge, of wanting to grasp everything in my hands and never let go, arises in me. It screams and yells and pounds on the surface of my very being but I keep silent and suppress it. Sometimes I almost fail. I am so afraid that that will happen. I am even more so afraid when I realise that eventually it will. When will and thought are not able to keep up the barricade they have been putting up for so long, when it crumbles under constant pressure and stress.

This brings about radical change in me, of course. I take more notice about the surroundings, it is unimaginable that one day I will no longer be in this familiar surrounding. I appreciate the people around me more (and making conscious effort to appreciate even harder). I am constantly afraid and night times have become extremely dreadful. Of course, I start thinking more about God. I need to reconstruct the relationship. I need to put in more effort. But I know it is for the wrong reasons. I need to pray more, to spend more time with Him, to learn about His plans for me, to know more about Him. I need the guidance, but I also know in order to achieve it I have to try harder and also that it is possible that I may have to go through a painful rebirthing period of transformation and change. Maybe it is already happening. Maybe the trip was a wake up call, a provocation. I need to stop hypothesizing but instead, trust and leave the rest to God. I should be thankful my inner psyche is intact.